[Exhales]
Hey, you see this?
I won this back in high school.
That's right. It was for football.
America, Bernie Mac was a fullback.
I made All-State.
I was B.M.O. C... Big Mac On Campus.
Man, I remember how proud Big Mama was...
when I brought this home.
She made a big fuss. I never will forget.
See, that's why I created the "Mac Hall of Fame."
A place where those ungrateful, lazy, unmotivated kids...
can show some of their greatest achievements.
Give them some pride, like Big Mama gave me.
Take a look.
I was rough, boy. Pow!
[Grunts, Laughs]
Look at that, citizenship award.
That look real nice. Ain't that somethin', baby?
Sure is. Congratulations, baby.
We're so proud of you.
- I'm proud of me too. - [Laughs] Way to go, sis.
No big deal. It's just a piece of paper.
It's not like she really won anything.
You know, you got a real big mouth on you, son.
Do I see your name up here on anything?
- No. - I didn't think so.
Baby girl, congratulations.
You have now been officially inducted into the Mac Hall of Fame.
[Cheering]
Jordan, what are you doin' in here?
What's that jar there for?
I put it there. Now there's something of mine in the Mac Hall of Fame too.
That looks like a hairy caterpillar.
That's a Manduca sexta. It's rare.
Boy, you gotta stop being so weird.
You don't want to be known as the "Crazy Bug Boy."
The strange kid in the playground that eats bugs.
- I don't eat them. - It's just a matter of time.
Look, Jordan... Son, the Mac Hall of Fame...
is a shrine for achievement.
It's for the best, the strongest...
the fastest, the most.
Do you understand that, Jordan?
Okay.
Bugs.
The Mac Hall of Fame is for achievements.
If bugs are an achievement, then the kitchen in the projects was crawling with achievement.
Tell me what to put in the Hall of Fame!
Bugs? Why do I bother?
I'm raising the bug-boy.
America, I've depressed myself.
Hi, Uncle Bernie, my report card.
- Look it says, "the most improved in gym." - Is that right? Let me see.
Jordan, two D's and a C. That's awful.
Yeah, but it's still the most.
It also says the most disruptive.
- That's still the "most." - That's not what I meant.
You shouldn't have said it if you don't mean it.
You're not being the "most" clear.
- Wh-Who you talking to now? - [Yelling]
Congratulations, Jordan.
Now, you gonna get the "most" punishment.
You stay in there and be the "most" quiet.
[Slams]
[Bell Ringing]
- I have a trophy. - How'd you get it?
I was on the football team.
I thought you guys stunk last year.
We did, but you get a trophy just for being on the team.
You do?
Weren't you afraid of getting hurt?
- I hardly ever played. - Hmm.
[Jordan] Guess what, Uncle Bernie?
Son, what did I tell you about the rules, Jordan?
I'm not supposed to talk to you unless the house is on fire or I'm bringing you a beer.
[Sniffs] I don't smell no smoke, and I don't see no foam.
[Sighs] Okay.
I just wanted you to sign this permission slip for football.
Football? Jordan, I didn't even know you liked football.
Yeah, I love it! I would've played last year...
but my asthma flared up, and the year before, I had hives...
and the year before that they thought I had polio.
But, this year I feel great.
- Mm. Your heart all right? - Mm-hmm.
- You feel great, huh, son? - Yeah.
Football... Ain't that somethin'.
All right, how about me and you go on outside and have a little catch.
- Here. - But what about your stories?
I'm not thinkin' about stories. This's more important. Come on, Jordan.
- I was getting a little worried about you eating those bugs. - I don't eat 'em.
- [Bernie] I'd turn around, you had one in your mouth. - I didn't.
- You were bugging me. - No, l... [Groans]
[Bernie] You know what, Jordan?
There are two firsts to come in every man's life...
that will stay with them until the day they die.
One, you're too young to hear right now.
Number two, is having your official football uniform.
Look at this.
Your practice jersey...
game jersey, shoulder pads...
and your helmet.
- I'm gonna win a trophy. - That's the attitude, Jordan.
Now, hold on. Now, that's the most important thing...
you'll receive in your young life right now.
That's your official cup.
- You drink out of it? - No, no.
Don't put that on your mouth, son. No.
Y-Y-You wear that to protect your pebbles.
- Your pebbles? - Yeah, your mule.
- Oh! - Your secret weapon.
- I gotta keep my stuff safe. - That's right. That's right.
- Family jewels, boy, you're a Mac. - [Grunts] You know what?
- Hmm? - Last year I wouldn't have needed it.
Let's move on.
- Uncle Bernie says hurry up. - I'll be right there.
- I have to get this stain out. - But won't it get dirty when you play?
I'm not gonna play.
I'm just gonna be on the team and sit on the bench.
But don't you wanna win a trophy?
Everyone on the team gets a trophy.
And they're bigger than certificates.
Hey, yo, yo, come on, man.
You don't wanna be late for the first game.
Come on. Don't worry about that. Come on, baby girl.
Man, look here. You gonna do great, man.
[Whistle Blowing]
Set, set, hut.
- Damn, that boy is good. Look at that. - Best on the team.
[Bernie] Ooh! He's sweet!
Yes! Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby!
[Cheering]
Okay, okay, okay.
- All right. Okay. Mr. Mac, please. - Okay.
Okay, defense: Nagel, Shores, Benedict, Richter.
Uh, who hasn't played yet? Jordan.
- Byron hasn't gone in yet. - All right, Byron. Get in there.
Uh, Jordan... he haven't gone in either.
- All right, Jordan. Get in there. - Yeah!
Three and out, baby! Three and out!
Three and out, baby. You're a Mac.
Set, hut.
[Groans]
- [Cheering] - [Whistle Blows]
Okay, Jordan, Byron, Richter, out.
Jordan, Jordan. Listen, listen. Don't worry about it.
It's a long season. You'll find your game. You a Mac.
The boy is bad. I mean unskilled.
Not even raw talent. I did tell you he's my sister's kid right?
Yeah, y'áll, y'áll know the story. You know, she's on crack.
Mm. Just take a little time. He might be a late bloomer.
Rome wasn't built overnight. He might... be a computer whiz.
Y-You never know. He could be president.
He might get a sex change or something, you know.
I'll still be there to support him. I did tell you he's my sister's kid, right?
First Negro president. You go, boy.
[Cheering]
Down, set, hut.
- [Grunting] - [Whistle Blows]
- [Bernie] Yeah! Yes, sir! - Your son is great.
- Thank you, baby. - Your son? That's my son?
That's what I meant. I didn't mean no harm.
Man, I tell you one thing. Your son is fearless.
- You know, he takes after his old man. - You play a little football?
- Just a little. - Well, I know one thing.
That boy probably gonna bring us a championship.
Get a trophy for sure.
Well, all the kids get trophies just for being on the team.
- They all get trophies? - Uh-huh.
What kind of mess is that? Brother, I got my own Mac Hall of Fame.
The only trophy gonna be on there is one you earn.
You have your own hall of fame?
That's right. Obviously, you ain't played enough football to understand.
Well, actually, I have played a fair amount of organized ball.
What? Pop Warner? Junior high?
- [Laughs] - No, uh, try Super Bowl M.V.P.
- You? Damn! - Yeah.
- Brother, that's sweet. - It is sweet, isn't it?
Coach, can I go back in?
[Sighs] All right. Go in for Park.
[Bernie] Come on, baby. Come on, baby.
- [Heart Beating] - [Bernie's Voice] Fearless.
Fearless.
Championship.
Hut.
[Bernie] Fearless. Fearless.
[Coach] Jordan, you okay?
Jordan, Jordan, Jordan.
Jordan, wake up. You okay?
- Jordan, Jordan. - Jordan, that was one hell of a hit there, son.
That was sweet.
You're a Mac. Get up.
Come on, son.
[Cheering]
- Break! - [All] Break!
?? [Soul]
?? [Continues]
?? [Ends]
Superstar. Baby, listen.
Let me tell y'áll. Tell them the story again.
- Go ahead. - Again?
- Bernie, we heard it three times. - I know, sweetheart...
but every time we tell it, we learn somethin' different.
Go ahead, son. Tell the story.
Tell 'em how the boy was barreling down at you, comin' straight at you.
- You know the story. Tell it. Listen, listen. - Okay.
So, the other kid's barreling down at me with the ball.
I knew if I didn't do somethin', he was gonna score, so I went into action.
Doggone! I love this part. Listen.
So, he was comin' at me, and I threw myself at him with all my might.
Aw, baby, he shot out like a ballistic missile.
I mean he looked almost like a-a-a human torpedo.
- [Laughs] Bernie, stop exaggerating. - No, no, baby.
I'm not. I'm serious. That's what the audience called him, Nessa.
They called him "T orpedo." He hit the boy so hard, I'm tellin' you...
The boy got up and he was talkin' in tongues. [Speaking In Tongues]
I'm not kidding you.
The boy was so dizzy, he got up and said, "Where'd he go, George?"
I'll tell you where he went. He went all the way into the end zone.
- He fumbled. - No. Sir, sir, you forced a fumble.
You hit that boy so hard, he dropped the ball...
and one of your teammates came and scooped the ball up and ran in the end zone.
Touchdown!
Yea!
I didn't get to see it though, because I was too busy trying to breathe.
- Uh, you were what? - Too busy trying to breathe.
Let me tell you somethin'. T orpedo, it was the greatest thing I ever seen.
- Bernie, why couldn't he breathe? - He's breathing now. He's fine.
He just got the wind knocked out of him.
- He has asthma. - Then, he should be used to not breathing.
The point I'm trying to make is it's all about fun.
They don't understand, son. They don't understand.
Uncle Bernie, can I have another piece of cake?
Sir. Torpedo. You can have anything you want.
- Here. Go ahead, take mine. - [Jordan] Oh.
I'm so proud of you, Jordan. Baby, you should have seen...
I wanna get back to the breathing.
The Torpedo! I knew he had it in him.
He's a Mac. He got that Mac strength.
Maybe I should adopt him legally.
Nah, I'll wait to see if they win the championship.
[Bernie] Good night, baby.
Honey, I'm worried aboutJordan.
He was limping today, and I'm scared he's really gonna get hurt.
Wanda, you're not becoming one of those overprotective parents...
afraid to let their kid play football?
- Baby, come on. - No, Bernie, I love football.
I grew up with it. All of my brothers played football...
my boyfriends...
In college I dated an All-State safety.
In fact, we almost got married and... -
- Get to the meat, Wanda. - I thinkJordan is doing this for you.
He knows you love football. He's trying to impress you.
He wants your approval even if it hurts him.
Come on, Wanda. Come on.
Honestly speaking, if I felt that boy was in any kind of harm's way...
- Wanda, I would pull him. - You promise?
I swear.
And I ain't lying, America. I would.
And besides, nothing's gonna happen.
And even if it did, God forbid, you know...
it's not like it's the end of the world.
The boy is young. He got plenty of time to heal...
and they're doing tremendous things with stem cells these days.
Look, Jordan, you're kinda banged up.
Maybe you need to take it easy tomorrow.
But, Uncle Bernie, I gotta be the Torpedo.
If we win tomorrow, we're going to the division finals.
If I get a championship trophy, would you put it up in the Mac Hall of Fame?
Championship trophy?
Boy, are you kidding? Jordan, that'd be the proudest day of my life.
All right, then, Torpedo.
You need anything? Can I get you ice cream?
Ow, no. Just maybe some more ice.
What's wrong, Jordan? Is it your rib?
Did you crack a rib?
Down, set, hut!
- [Whistle Blows] - Yes, sir!
[Laughs] You got torpedoed!
Damn right, baby. Talkin' about a Mac attack.
- That looks too violent. He's gonna get hurt. - Now, Wanda, please.
- You sound irritated. - No, I'm not, baby.
He's gonna be all right. He's got shoulder pads, got a helmet on, knee pads.
Baby... Man, would you tell her?
- Please? - [Whistle Blows]
[Woman] Come on, you guys! Yeah!
Down, set, hut.
[Grunts]
- [Whistle Blows] - [Cheering]
All right, baby. We'll pull him.
Did I hear you correctly, Mr. Mac?
- You're pulling the Torpedo? - Look, Father, I have to, man.
Jordan is getting banged up out there. I gotta pull him at least for the rest of the game.
Mr. Mac, sacrifice is a virtue.
If you recall, Abraham was ready to snuff his own son.
This boy's just your nephew.
Oh... Look, stay right here.
Pull him.
- What are you talking about? He's fine. He's... - Coach, pull him.
- We need him now. - Pull him.
- Jordan, come on out. - They're pulling me! They're pulling me!
You're pullin' him? Be strong, son.
You're a trip.
[Chanting] Torpedo! Torpedo!
Mr. Mac, I understand your reasons for pulling the boy...
but if we hold them here, Damien Elementary goes to the championship.
Father, I know what you're saying.
But I can't afford Jordan to get hurt. I can't.
- My hands are tied. - Mr. Mac...
Pontius Pilate suffered a similar dilemma...
- [Crowd] Tor-pe-do! - When the mob cried out, "Crucify him, crucify him."
Had he not given the people what they wanted...
we wouldn't have a flippin' religion.
Take his example, Mr. Mac.
Give the people what they want.
What's it going to be, Mr. Mac?
I don't know, Father.
I can't believe you're even considering this.
What about the boy's health?
- But it's the championship game. - It is elementary school.
This is Damien.
[Crowd] Tor-pe-do! Tor-pe-do!
- [Crowd] Tor-pe-do! Tor-pe-do! - I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know what to do.
I mean, I want 'em to win the game...
but it would kill me if the boy got hurt.
- [Crowd] Tor-pe-do! Tor-pe-do! - But this's not about me.
[Crowd] Tor-pe-do! Tor-pe-do!
- Put him in. - [Gasps]
Load the Torpedo!
[Coach] All right, all right, Jordan, come on in.
Come on, come on, come on. Out, John, out, out.
All right, all right guys. Listen.
They get this extra point...
they tie the score and force us into overtime.
Our only hope is to block the kick.
Torpedo, I'm counting on you!
- Ready! - [Players] Break!
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
- ?? [Soul] - Down, set.
Hut!
?? [Ends]
- [Crowd Groans] - Oh, my Lord. C-Come on, baby.
I got him. Get back. I'll go get him.
- [Groaning] - Jordan? Son, son, you all right?
- My pebbles. - Your pebbles?
[Groans] Nut shot, right pocket.
Even though it didn't happen to me, I can still feel it.
Guys, you know what I'm talking about.
Just thinking about it makes you cringe. [Groans]
And women, don't give me that...
"You don't know what pain is. We give birth."
Hmph! You go get hit in your pebbles and you come back and talk to Bernie Mac.
[Groans] I gotta go walk it off.
Excuse me. [Grunts]
- Come on, son. Get up here. Get up. - [Groaning]
- [Cheering] - [Jordan Groaning]
[Man] Torpedo!
[Dog Barking On TV]
Hey, man. What ya watching?
- Scooby-Doo. - Yeah?
Look at old Scrappy-Doo out there. I like that little dog.
Jordan, let me just cut this off one minute, all right?
Son, I got some bad news to tell you.
Damien lost the championship game today.
Don't feel bad, son. They would have won if you were there.
So you ough to feel honored.
That's how important the Torpedo is to the team.
Now, I'm never gonna get my trophy.
- Yes, you are. - What? That stupid team trophy?
Doesn't even count, you said.
You said it doesn't even sound worthy of the Mac Hall of Fame.
Don't pay no attention to what I be sayin'. You know I'm not well.
I say stupid things all the time that hurt people.
And, besides, it's not even about the team trophy.
It's a special award from your teammates.
Jordan...
congratulations.
I'm really proud of you.
?? [Soul]
?? [Ends]
You know your line?
No, I thought it was yours first.
- Yeah, well, do... - Damn.
I thought he was gonna mention the trophy.
Damn, man, I messed the line up.
Uh, did I step on the line when I first came out too?
Damn.
That's nice. Man, that's real nice.
Somebody'll bust your head, man.
How long do you want me to stay there on that...